Dear Codependent Partner,
What I will say now is not something I’d ever admit or say in front of you, because if I do so it will be the end of my main source of pleasure in life – something that drains your whole happiness and energy in our relationship.
When I tell you that I love you, it means that I love how hard you try to make me feel like I mean the whole world to you, that I am in the center of your life, that you want to make me happy, and that you’ll never expect from me to do the same.
I love the way I am able to take advantage of your kindness and sincere intentions to be nice, and the delight I get when I make myself feel enormous compared to you, using every chance to make you feel insignificant and small.
I love the feeling I get when I think how weak, helpless, emotionally unstable you are and I love underestimating you for your naïve and innocent behavior.
I love how it makes me feel when I know that nothing we discuss will ever come true, and I love how powerful I am when I throw you off your balance.
I love the way you keep your entire focus on releasing my pain, and that no matter what you do, it will never be enough to make me feel good, loved, respected, appreciated, and I’ll always seek for more.
I don’t care about compassion, closeness, emotional connection that you want or the things I do to embarrass you. I only care about my own status, my own job and my power to make you suffer, feel the pain and not respected at all. I am the one who needs to feel the pleasure, admiration and happiness between us, not you, remember?
“I love you” means that I just love the way you make me feel, more particularly, considering you to be a small piece of property that’s only mine. Like driving a luxurious car, I love how much you improve my status in the eyes of other people, assuring them that I am the best. I love when I see how jealous people become when they see my possessions.
I love the way I have an influence on you, making you work so hard to prove your love, making all sorts of stupid things and going out of control just to prove your loyalty.
“I love you” means that I love the way you make me love myself. I also love hating you for my strong need to rely on you for anything.
I love that you are always here, and that I can always blame you for feeling this “neediness”; showing disrespect to you seems to defend me from something I never want to admit, that I feel completely dependent on you, because you feed my superiority and self-importance and create fake illusion that I am more powerful than you.
Nothing makes me feel more weak and defenseless than not having a control over something that ruins my image and superior status, like for example when you question the way I treat you, like you still can’t realize that making you accept yourself as my object which I possess for my own pleasure, making you be happy no matter how I treat you and our children – is the main proof that I am superior to the world. I possess you, remember?
It satisfies my soul and every cell of my body fills with joy when I make you feel anxious and totally out of control when I am not giving you what you want for me, making you repeat yourself, and do or say things that later on will make you hate yourself (only because of your kindness). All the things you say, each complaint you share, means nothing to me and I love making you feel confused, trying to understand why I don’t “get” it.
What you speak is totally unimportant. You need to look through my lens, not yours! I am here to show total disinterest in all your emotional needs, hurts, desires and to teach you and punish you until you learn that you are just one voiceless object, and my own possession that serves only to satisfy my own needs and desires.
I love to see how insecure you are, especially when I give my attention to other women. What joy this gives me, to crave for what you don’t get from me, to hurt you by easily giving all the things to others that I don’t give to you, to express affection and to pay compliments.
I love the feeling of power every time I get you back when you try to leave, by quickly making you trust me again, deceiving you over and over again that this time will be different and that I will change.
“I love you” means that I actually need someone like you, who will never abandon me, no matter what I do. I love the way you serve me as a punching bag, to make myself feel good again by making you feel bad about yourself.
“I love you” means that I love the way I can influence your thoughts and beliefs, having a complete control over your mind, making you think that I am your savior and miracle, that you can’t live without me. I am your gravity and it doesn’t matter how hard you try to fly I am always bouncing you back.
I love how you make me feel like a god, keeping you so concentrated (even obsessed) with making me feel appreciated and adored, giving up on everything that you want just to prove yourself, so that I don’t criticize you, trying to please me like I am the only human being that exists on this planet.
I love my ability and power to keep you down, second-guessing and doubting yourself, making you insecure of your mental health, preoccupied with explaining yourself to me, proving your loyalty, thinking that there is something wrong with you.
“I love you” means that I love the way you make me feel when I look through your admitting eyes, that you are the drug that makes me feel good, my loyal fan and biggest admirer.
I also love the fact that, no matter what you do for me, how much you ask and beg for my affection, to feel respected in return, it won’t happen while I am the one who controls everything. Why would I do that, when I am happy if you are miserable, why would I give you wings, taking a risk that you’d fly away far away from me. I enjoy not to give you what you ask for, to destroy every dream of yours easily like a soap bubble.
I love the way I am able to control your attempts to get through me, by having a control over your mind, by changing the focus of our discussions into what’s wrong with you, your inability to respect and make me feel loved or good enough – and also telling again that I’ve done so much for you and explaining how ungrateful you are.
I love how easily I can manipulate other people’s opinion about you, making them my allays that see me as the “good” guy and you as the “bad” guy, convincing them that you are needy, ungrateful, dissatisfied, selfish, controlling and so on and so forth.
I love how easy it is for me to neglect all your needs and make you focus on my own needs and desires or my pain and suffering. You are smart enough to realize that you are not valuable, your plans are not important; you are here to make me feel good.
I love to hear you when your thoughts are my own thoughts, when all your ambitions and desires are focused only on keeping me happy.
I love that you feel as if I am your drug too, it doesn’t matter how I harm you, although you realize that I drain all your positive energy from your life, that you give more and more from what you really appreciate and value, this includes all the people you love and all the people that love you and support you too.
I love how I am powerful enough to isolate from all the people you love, all the people that care about you, and I love making you doubt in them, so that at the end you realize that nobody is as true to you as I am.
I love the way you trust me and think that I am doing you a favor by telling which of your fake friends are trying to harm you. I feel such emptiness inside of me and I need your breath and your life to suck them like a vacuum and fill that emptiness inside of me. But I never manage to satisfy it, it’s like a hole without bottom, you are like a drug that can never satisfy me.
At the same time I hate you because you are my addiction, I can’t live without that caring eyes that allow me to see myself through them, always ready to admire, love, forgive, forget and make an excuse for my mistreatment and fall for my traps and lies.
I love when you keep telling me that I hurt you, that you suffer because of me, thinking that one day I’ll understand, not knowing that that is exactly how my soul feeds. With this you just let me know that my plan to keep you in pain, and still be focused on releasing my pain works perfectly well.
To sum up, when I tell you that I love you, I mean that I love the power I have over you to stay a mystery that you’ll never be able to solve. My sense of power grows stronger when I never listen to your complaints, I never support your idea of making a mutually-kind relationship, because in my point of view being vulnerable, kind, helpful, empathetic and expressing your emotions signify that you are weak and inferior.
I know that you want me to change but it will never happen, because it is in my narcissistic nature to be heartless, cruel, cold, manipulative and proud.
P.S: Sometimes I feel as if I really need some help – but you are the last person that can help me because don’t forget that we are co-addicted to each other, and no addict would ever ask for help from another addict.
Only an experienced therapist would be able to help if I really really decide to open up in front of them. It is almost impossible because in this way I would have to face up with my biggest fears that I’ll stop being superior to everyone around me, that I will have to admit that my own actions, thoughts and words are the only one responsible for all my suffering and the suffering of other people around me. I think that I will never be able to admit this because in my point of view only a weak, pathetic person would do such things!